Saturday, March 2, 2013

How The American Government Saved My Marriage

The other week, I'm about to check out at Walmart -- because once again, I'm the one with all the kids, grocery shopping -- and I see this little kit in one of those last-minute bins by the checkout. It's called a D2PS, and it's on clearance.

At first I had serious buyer's regret. It was such an impulse buy, and we are On. A. Budget. But to be honest, it's saved our marriage.

The D2PS from the clearance bin at Walmart turns out to be a Domestic 2-Party System, a household-scale model of our national political system.  

Upon further research, I find out this is a little known requisition of the Affordable Care Act, a new government program created to address the declining mental health of married Americans.

Everyone can get what they want!
There's this idea in marriage that the relationship strengthens when you work through issues. But that's just so tedious! No wonder so many couples can't make it! 

The longer Wally and I use the D2PS, the more we realize that reaching consensus is not only overrated, but completely unnecessary. Why stress about relationship problems, when you can just ignore them, and keep doing things your own way?

We also used to have real issues with money, but no more! Since we jumped over to the D2PS, spending has not even been a problem. We can save toward our 401(k) AND take semi-annual international family vacations!

Sound too good to be true? Surprisingly, it's not.  

The Domestic 2-Party System has an unusual and very popular approach: it's a generational gift. When purchased by any family member, it automatically becomes the system of the entire family. Any excesses in spending that the couple can't catch up with before that inevitable "death do them part" are automatically rolled over to their children's accounts. 

No kids in the picture? No problem! Through some very careful calculations, the U.S. Senate Committee on Finance concluded that distributing any compensatory spending across all households in the country would be only a few cents per person. No one will even notice! 

And thankfully, if that math doesn't work, the 2-party system lets both sides blame each other through endless future generations, with no need to reach any resolution at all!

It's not the first time a successful government system has been translated to rave popularity among average Americans. I  recently wrote about another helpful household tool, the Government Block of Time [G-BOT], which transforms deadlines into unlimited leisure

The D2PS comes with a game guide, similar to something you'd see out of a Cranium or Apples-to-Apples box. It includes weekly debates, household polls, and committee lunches, but really, they're non-essentials to the success of a 2-Party System.

For Wally and me, there's no going back to the days of lengthy discussion or respectful disagreement.  

And never again will we send a Bed, Bath, & Beyond gift card with all our best wishes to newlyweds!

Every couple on our list will be receiving the D2PS, and a guaranteed lifetime of bliss.

Thank you, American Government.