Friday, May 25, 2018

The Proper Care Of Spouses: A Quiz

Ideally, we love our spouses with such mutual, wholehearted attention that no need goes unmet between us.

Realistically, life gets busy, other needs (re: kids) yell more loudly than our spouse, and many days, we're just flailing and gasping, trying to keep our heads above water.

The highest example of this ideal -- and the fundamental premise of Christianity -- images a man (Christ) choosing to sacrifice his own life for a woman (the church). Ironically, a larger cultural experience seems to indicate the opposite: women taking on the greater burden of self-sacrifice in marriage, perhaps not in a final grand sweeping gesture, but in a thousand smaller ways, easier to overlook.

In an attempt to help my husband see all the many ways he was overlooking care of his beloved spouse, I began listing areas of basic care that felt neglected. While on my vendetta, I realized he's not doing that great a job at meeting his own needs. As my list grew so did my recognition that we both had areas to improve in spousal care.

I'm sharing the questions below as a starting point for others to begin self-reflection. I believe quality care of our spouses will naturally support better care for our children as well.

Underscoring all of this is the acknowledgment that every family is different; different marital seasons will call for different expressions of self-giving; different financial situations require different types of sacrifice.
1. Are you aware of how much sleep your spouse gets regularly?
2. Is it adequate?
3. Is it more or fewer hours of sleep than you usually get?
4. Does one spouse consistently go to bed later, due to family, household, or professional responsibilities?
5. Does one spouse consistently wake up earlier, due to family, household, or professional responsibilities?
6. Does one spouse consistently wake up, as needed, during the night, due to family, household, or professional responsibilities?

7. What can you do to work toward quality sleep for both spouses?
1. Does one spouse cover most of the meal preparation? If so, is the other spouse contributing to family life in another way while this is happening?
2. When your spouse prepares food or drink, do they include you in their preparations?
3. When you prepare food or drink, do you include your spouse in your preparations?
4. Do both spouses sit down to eat with the family?
5. Does one spouse constantly get up, or never even sit down, during a meal, to serve the needs of the family?
6. Does either spouse have special nutritional needs? Are they being met?
7. What can you do to work toward quality nutrition for both spouses?
1. Do both spouses have a primary care provider?
2. When is the last time your spouse went to the doctor? To the dentist? Had a wellness exam?
3. If your spouse were sick, would they have the ability to rest in bed at home without caring for others?
4. If your spouse were sick, would they have the ability to get to a doctor for care?
5. How does your spouse care for you when you are sick?
6. How do you care for your spouse when they are sick?
7. What can you do to work toward quality healthcare for both spouses?
1. Is this a season of life when fitness goals are accessible for you and your spouse?

2. If you had no time or financial constraints, what exercise goals would you and your spouse set?
3. Does your spouse support your exercise goals? Are there obstacles in the way of your exercise goals that your spouse could help remove?

4. Do you support your spouse's exercise goals? Are there obstacles in the way of your spouse's exercise goals that you can help remove?
5. What can you do to work toward quality physical fitness for both spouses?
1. Do spouses spend intentional time together on a regular basis with the intent of strengthening their relationship?
2. How does your spouse express love and appreciation for you? Is it in a way that’s easy for you to receive?
3. How do you express love and appreciation for your spouse? Is it in a way that’s easy for your spouse to receive?
4. How can both spouses work toward mutual expressions of love and appreciation for each other?
1. If there are children, do both spouses have the opportunity to form quality relationships with each child?
2. How does your spouse help support your quality time with your children?
3. How do you help support your spouse’s quality time with your children?
4. How can you work toward supporting quality relationships with each child for both spouses?
1. Do both spouses have the opportunity to form quality friendships with others outside of your marriage?
2. How does your spouse help create time and space for you to build friendships with others?
3. How do you help create time and space for your spouse to build friendships with others?
4. How can you work toward supporting quality friendships for both spouses?
1. Does each spouse have unique hobbies, such as collections, movies, books, video games, outdoor experiences, cosmetics, foods, or fashion?
2. Is there an equal discretionary spending budget for each spouse's hobbies?
3. How does your spouse help create time and space for you to enjoy your hobbies?
4. How do you help create time and space for your spouse to enjoy their hobbies?
5. What can you do to work toward quality opportunities for both spouses’ hobbies?
1. Are both spouses contributing in some way to household maintenance, either physically or financially?
2. Do these contributions -- whether physical or financial -- involve the same amount of time and effort?
3. When your spouse is working around the house, what are you usually doing?
4. Does each spouse do the bare minimum of picking up and cleaning up after oneself?
5. If you were gone for a week, would your spouse's household maintenance be easier or harder?
6. If your spouse were gone for a week, would your household maintenance be easier or harder?
7. What can you do to work toward equal contribution (via division or specialization of labor) toward household maintenance?
1. Do both spouses have the opportunity to develop their professional skillsets?
2. If one spouse is the primary breadwinner, is that sacrifice recognized?
3. If one spouse has chosen to stop, slow, or redirect professional development to serve the family in other ways, is that sacrifice recognized?
4. How does your spouse support your professional pursuits?
5. How do you support your spouse’s professional pursuits?
6. How can you work toward supporting the professional development desires of both spouses?
1. Do both spouses have the opportunity to spend quiet time alone in prayer?
2. Do both spouses have the opportunity to spend time with a spiritual director, mentor, or faith formation group?
3. Do both spouses have access to the sacraments or faith connections that might be important to them?
4. How does your spouse support your spiritual development?
5. How do you support your spouse’s spiritual development?
6. What can you do to work toward ensuring spiritual support for both spouses?


There are as many one-size-fits-all checklists for successful marriage as there are marriages. This isn’t intended as an exhaustive list. Is something obvious missing? Please share in the comments so others can benefit.
My hope, in this survey, is a renewed sense of love and appreciation between spouses to promote strong marriage relationships.

For a printable copy, click here.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

BOOK REVIEW: Inspired - Slaying Giants, Walking On Water, And Loving The Bible Again

In her June 2018 new release Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking On Water, And Loving The Bible Again, Rachel Held Evans re-discovers the Bible of her childhood, emerging from a season of disillusionment with contemporary American Christianity. Seamlessly incorporating a conversant array of academic and spiritual voices, Evans clears space for her readers to encounter ancient Scripture in new, relevant ways.

I picked up Inspired for three reasons:

1. The Bible has always been a special, sacred book to me, but lately, this holy book has felt distant.

2. Throughout time, the Bible has been weaponized, outside of its historical and literary context, to justify slavery, war, segregation, oppression of women and other minorities, exploitation of indigenous people, socially convenient sins, and political manipulation. This troubles me.

“It’s easy for modern-day readers to forget that the Bible was written by oppressed religious minorities living under the heels of powerful nation-states known for their extravagant wealth and violence… When you belong to the privileged class of the most powerful global military superpower in the world, it can be hard to relate to the oppressed minorities who wrote so much of the Bible… The truth is, the shadow under which most of the world trembles today belongs to America.” - Inspired, p. 129
3. There are passages of scripture that seem to grate against my most core beliefs as a human, namely that every life is sacred and that every person is equal in dignity before God regardless of gender, race, wealth, or any other state of life -- for example, mass genocide by the Israelites (re: VeggieTales’ “Joshua and the Big Wall”) and Moses’ endorsement of eugenics by sex, race, and gender to kill, even, infants.

Until I picked up Rachel Held Evans’ book Inspired, the explanations I’ve repeatedly heard for these passages – one, that it’s more merciful to kill the babies of pagans so they die as innocents in God’s mercy rather than let them grow up as pagans and go to hell; two, that it’s worth killing the innocent young of our enemies out of future self-defense against their vengeance – have not left me satisfied.

I tend to avoid young writers, assuming they lack the seasoning of life necessary to bring perspective to any person outside their own cultural experience. Since Rachel Evans and I had similar childhood faith experiences, I knew her book would have personal relevance -- and hopefully, resolution -- for me. Surprisingly, her inclusion of numerous diverse, authoritative voices culminates in a book that’s as academic as it is relevant, and notably, not limited to the spiritual nourishment of 30-something-year-old women.

Through ancient and contemporary biblical commentary, storytelling, and historical sources, Evans explores Scripture with an honest, concerned, and hopeful approach.

She observes how much of the Bible’s poetry is lament – 40% of all psalms -- yet the top 100 songs used in contemporary worship today includes only four or five on “mourning or frustration.” Evans wonders how this reflects the church’s understanding of suffering. 

For anyone who’s wondered if vengeance is God-ordained from the graphic anger of certain psalms, Evans quotes Benedictine oblate Kathleen Norris: “Poetry’s function is not to explain but to offer images and stories that resonate with our lives.” Without this understanding of the psalms, we might come away confused by the hyperbole, violence, and strong emotion of the psalms rather than comforted by our shared human experience of lament with the psalmist.

I once made the mistake of reading a fictionalized story of Queen Esther. It moralized the king’s concubine establishment, justified the banishment of his first wife for her refusal to strip tease before the court (her public disrespect toward her husband being the greater sin), and somehow, the author of this Christian romance/historical fiction mash-up attempted to turn Esther’s desperate, dangerous predicament into a legit love story.

Ever since that culture-washed butchering of Esther’s heroic, tragic, and at times, comedic, ancient story, I have refused to read biblical historical fiction.

Inspired has a story-telling element in every other chapter, and while non-fiction is Evans’ stronger genre, I’m glad I broke my ban against Scripture-based fiction to pick up this book. Through her re-examination of familiar Bible passages using a story format, Evans relies heavily on the Jewish tradition of midrash, rabbinic commentary that relies on early interpretations, additional historical accounts, and tradition as context.

“...there’s a curious but popular notion circulating around the church these days that says God would never stoop to using ancient genre categories to communicate. Speaking to ancient people using their own language, literary structures, and cosmological assumptions would be beneath God. ...In addition to once again prioritizing modern, Western (and often uniquely American) concerns, this notion overlooks one of the most central themes of Scripture itself: God stoops… From slipping into flesh and eating, laughing, suffering, healing, weeping, and dying among us as part of humanity, the God of Scripture stoops and stoops and stoops. It is no more beneath God to speak to us using poetry, proverb, letters, and legend than it is for a mother to read storybooks to her daughter at bedtime.” - Inspired, p. 11
Growing up in a Christian tradition that adhered to strictly literal biblical interpretation – for fear that any looser approach would lead to the complete unraveling of consistency, and ultimately, Truth – I found the use of midrash in pondering sacred Scripture both comforting and revealing.

My own spiritual journey has led me to the history-and-tradition-laden Catholic Church, I believe as a rebound from the isolation I experienced while attempting a Sola Scriptura faith without the buttress of historical tradition or ecclesial authority.

Evans’ spiritual journey brought her to an Episcopal community. An interview with “Religion News” discusses Evans’ search for meaning as she transitioned away from Evangelicalism, addressing the common question of our decade: why are millennials leaving the church?

“If you try to woo us back with skinny jeans and coffee shops, it may actually backfire. Millennials have finely-tuned B.S. meters that can detect when someone’s just trying to sell us something. We’re not looking for a hipper Christianity. We’re looking for a truer Christianity. Like every generation before and after, we’re looking for Jesus—the same Jesus who can be found in the places he’s always been: in bread, in wine, in baptism, in the Word, in suffering, in community, and among the least of these. No fog machines required.” – Rachel Held Evans, Interview with “Religion News,” March 9, 2015
Evans references growing up in “Monkey-Town,” the theme of one of her earlier books, home of the famous Scopes Monkey Trial that determined whether creationism or evolution would be taught in public schools.

On Genesis, she writes, “Israel’s origins stories weren’t designed to answer scientific, twenty-first-century questions about the beginning of the universe or the biological evolution of human beings, but rather were meant to answer then-pressing, ancient questions about the nature of God and God’s relationship to creation.”

On seemingly God-ordained genocide, Evans considers, “By the time many of the Bible’s war stories were written down, many generations had passed. ...The writers of Joshua and Judges... rely more on drama and bravado than the straightforward recitation of fact” (p. 74).

Furthermore, archaeologists working in the Middle East are doubtful the epic battles recorded in the Bible actually resulted in the violent obliteration claimed by their early writers. “It was common for warring tribes in ancient Mesopotamia to refer to decisive victories as ‘complete annihilation’ or ‘total destruction,’ even when their enemies lived to find another day” (p. 74). Referencing the famous Battle of Jericho -- the source of many vaguely violent children’s reenactments -- historic research indicates Jericho was only a 6-acre military outpost, most likely without civilians, save the prostitute who betrayed them. (Perhaps they should have treated her more kindly…)

Discussing her Scriptural renewal process in Inspired, Evans shares how reading diverse biblical scholarship led her to a greater embrace of the Bible as sacred, relevant, and inspirational:

“... I encountered writers, activists, pastors, and biblical scholars who masterfully appealed to Scripture to advocate for social justice and reconciliation, and who prioritized in their work and imaginations biblical characters I’d never really noticed before -- characters like the daughters of Zelophehad, who successfully lobbied the leaders of Israel for the right for women to inherit property, and the Ethiopian eunuch from the book of Acts, whose status as an ethnic and sexual minority makes his dramatic baptism especially meaningful to those who have been treated as outsiders. I had never before considered that Joseph, the despised brother with the coat of many colors, was a victim of human trafficking, or that Jesus himself was once, as a child, a refugee.” - Inspired, p. 44
The activism awakened in Evans’ new embrace of Scripture has made her a leading Christian feminist voice for advocacy and intersectionality today. Her op-ed response to John Piper on why patriarchy cannot solve the #metoo crisis unabashedly reveals the inequality and abuse women have suffered, even (and particularly) in Evangelical households, under systems of patriarchy:
“[Piper’s assertion] assumes sexual assault, harassment, and abuse are recent phenomena, products of egalitarian views on gender that grant women equality in the home, church, and culture. But abuses like these have been around for centuries. In fact, Piper can read about some of them in his Bible in the stories of women like Hagar, Tamar, Lot’s daughters, and Bathsheba, all of whom lived in highly patriarchal cultures. The #MeToo movement does not reflect some sudden increase in the abuse of women; rather, it reflects a growing awareness of those abuses, and a mounting, collective fervor to confront them. It’s a movement led by and for women, women who aren’t asking for some sort of paternalistic “protection” because they are fragile females, but rather to be treated with the dignity and respect they deserve simply because they are human beings.” – Rachel Held Evans
On household codes, Evans writes, “Many modern readers assume teachings about wives submitting to their husbands appear exclusively in the pages of Scripture and thus reflect uniquely ‘biblical’ views about women’s roles in the home.” As Evans goes on to describe, this male-dominated household structure is more a reflection of historical norms than new religious ideals.

As historical texts confirm, it was nothing new to Greco-Roman society that women, children, and slaves were property, all in submission under a male ruler. The novelty of St. Paul’s words, and the new truth introduced through Christ, is in what follows: husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the Church. St. Paul further instructed everyone, men included, to submit to one another. This was a new standard to believers hearing his letters for the first time.

Evans introduces a new perspective on homosexuality that gives me pause, referencing sins of lust recorded in the New Testament to be sins of excess in the highly-sexualized culture of that time, different from faithful, gay relationships today. In the midrash tradition she describes throughout the book, Evans leaves this polarized, contemporary issue open to discussion for conscientious Christians to discuss and disagree.

I recognize genuine love relationships among my gay friends, in truly desiring the good of another. There is true virtue – not a shadow or imitation – in their love and in their lives. There is generosity, compassion, and commitment that even many sacramental marriages lack.

Notwithstanding, I also believe Catholic Church teaching on marriage (which, for what it’s worth, would exclude many modern-day secular and religious heterosexual marriages that are nonetheless worthy of legal protection, medical advocacy and inheritance rights, and consideration as adoptive parents).

I hesitate to open this can of worms in a book review, especially since I can’t offer anything more than admission that I’m on a journey in seeking solidarity with my LGBTQ friends, desiring their full legal rights to be respected in our country, while also respecting the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage. I’m not sure what that looks like, but I want to keep the conversation open.

My favorite chapter in Evans’ new book deals with the Gospel itself. In flash moments, she tells story after story after story of a unique person’s unique experience of God’s unique intervention in the New Testament. She warns against modern-day attempts to codify God or de-humanize Jesus:

“Jesus didn’t just ‘come to die.’ Jesus came to live- to teach, to heal, to tell stories, to protest, to turn over tables, to touch people who weren’t supposed to be touched and eat with people who weren’t supposed to be eaten with, to break bread, to pour wine, to wash feet, to face temptation, to tick off authorities, to fulfill Scripture, to forgive, to announce the start of a brand new kingdom, to show us what that kingdom is like, to show us what God is like, to love his enemies to the point of death at their hands, and to beat death by rising from the grave. Jesus did not simply die to save us from our sins. Jesus lived to save us from our sins. His life and teachings show us the way to liberation.” - Inspired, p. 162
Every single Christian has their own story, their own encounter with God, grappling with Jesus as both true God and true man, their own unrepeatable experiences sifting and pondering through Scripture, as Christians and Jews have done for centuries with our shared holy texts.

The main takeaway I received from Inspired is the goodness of searching and the freedom to question. I was hoping for a more stark resolution, an answer book to my Bible difficulties. Instead, Evans sets the stage for her reader to wrestle with God, just as Jacob in the wilderness – to wrestle the Almighty until we are blessed.

“So I brought my whole self into the wilderness with God -- no faking, no halfway. And there hwe wrestled.” (Inspired, p. 70)

Rachel Held Evans' book, Inspired, will be released on June 12, 2018. You can pre-order on Amazon.


Tuesday, May 8, 2018

How Becoming A Feminist Affected My Marriage

...In my searching, I found increasing common ground with the values of a movement that to this point, I’d viewed as unnecessarily loud, and frankly, unnecessary altogether. Feminism was for angry women in pointless marches and women who hated babies so much they wanted to legalize killing them.

And yet, I began to find kindred spirits among them, especially with pro-life feminists, who pursue solidarity among any who are marginalized or forgotten -- those who are sick, social minorities, disabled, poor, refugees, immigrants, unborn… In a country that values diversity, in a faith that values the dignity of every person, I saw strong people amplifying the voices of those who are weak in pro-life feminism.

In Salt of the Earth, Pope Benedict is asked by a reporter how many ways there are to God. “As many as there are people,” the pope responds.

As many as there are people. 

When I read Pope Benedict's response in light of the new feminism referenced by Pope John Paul II, I heard: my salvation is not dependent on how well I can force myself into the mold of another woman's success story as wife or mother. 

I need to pause, to give voice to the idea that this isn’t an exclusively feminist idea. Much of feminist thought is just common sense. Plenty of people who would never identify as “feminist” still experience the freedom and joy of living as their true selves in unique callings within a marriage relationship. 

For some, this could look like a working father with banker’s hours and a stay-at-home mom who takes full charge of house and children. 

For others, like St. Gianna, a mother might work outside the home. 

For others, like Sts. Louis and Zelie, a married couple might run a family business together, balancing home and family into that work. 

Some people’s choices might be limited by circumstance, like St. Helen, whose husband divorced her for a younger woman, or St. Gemma’s father, a failed businessman and widower forced to raise his children in poverty, alone, or St. Jochebed, the mother of Moses, who was pressured by the politics of her day to choose between the death of her child, or allowing her child to be raised completely outside the sacred culture of her people by the Pharaoh's daughter.

For most, like St. Elizabeth Ann Seton -- who ran a society for the poor, while raising five kids and adopting six more, ran a boarding house to support her children after her husband died, went bankrupt with a failed school, and eventually joined a religious order, once her children were older -- roles and responsibilities will be as variable as the variable seasons of life. 

For me, it took months of eavesdropping online to Catholic feminist conversations to realize family roles are flexible, and furthermore, the Lord has not mandated, through scripture or any official Church teaching, one way for all families. 

This realization gave my husband and I peace in making choices that are best for each other and best for our family, no longer living under the pressure to achieve somebody else’s story.

Read the rest over at FemCatholic!

Adam Cuerden [Public domain or Attribution], via Wikimedia Commons